I hate that I neglect this page. Life is hectic in the jungle but I love getting my thoughts out. So what has been happening during the last almost year, you ask? Well, monkey has started prekindergarten at our local elementary school. He absolutely loves it!! He loves his teacher. He loves his friends. He loves going to “big boy” school. The princess has taken over our house and our hearts. I can not believe that my little baby girl will be one next month! She is standing and cruising and thisclose to walking. She has been saying mama for a while but in the last few days she has started saying baba, popop, and the ever elusive dada. She and monkey love each other so much that it warms and breaks my heart. There should be another little boy for her to love that loves his little sister immeasurably. This past Friday was three years since we said goodbye to Andrew. I won’t lie. I spent a lot of the day crying. The fact is that there would never have been another little boy to love her because if he had stayed, she probably would have never been. That is what is so hard for me to accept. There is no way that I could have had all three of my precious children. I look down at this gorgeous little girl who I am so blessed to call my own and have to accept the fact that I have her at the expense of losing Andrew.
The jungle princess had a set arrival date. Since she was arriving by repeat csection, it was planned and decided that she would come on January 3, 2014. The Dr would not take her before December 31 at 39 weeks, no matter how much I asked. Due to this fact, I was planning on working up until the very last day. Well, the little lady had plans of her own. On December 27, I was feeling DONE. I was scheduled to work the following day, a Saturday, but then I was going to tell them to start my maternity leave. At about 3 in the afternoon, I coughed and felt a small gush. I thought I had peed myself. It happened again and although I was embarrassed, I took one more customer before heading to the restroom. While I was helping him, there was another small gush but this time it had not been preceded by a cough. I went to the bathroom and the gushes continued. I put some TP in my underwear, told my manager that I thought my water had broken, and called M at work. We arranged for the monkey to be picked up from school and we headed to the hospital. It was a whirlwind and barely 3 hours later, at 6:03 pm, our princess made her debut. She was not breathing when she was born and turned blue. I have never been so scared. Her brother in heaven was looking out for her though and all is well. What a set of pipes she has!!
The last time I posted, it had been 16 months since Andrew grew his angel wings. So much has happened since then. I still miss him every single day, but he has blessed us with a rainbow pregnancy. A rainbow arrives after a storm but the beauty does not negate the devastation that preceded it. In just a few weeks, my little monkey will finally be able to be a big brother to a little sister on Earth. He is so excited and he is going to be so good at it. Our family will always be missing someone, but after our princess arrives, hopefully we will feel more complete.
I can’t believe that it has been a year since I posted anything. Life got in the way, grief got in the way. I hate that the world keeps on going and my baby isn’t here. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that it has to, but I still hate it. It has been over 16 months since he stopped kicking me, since he died. Everyone has moved on and forgotten about him. I need to find a way to remember him. I think if I start blogging again that will help. So here goes nothing. I am back.
I hate this life. I hate knowing that my baby should be here now and he isn’t. This week has sucked. My csection would have either been on Tuesday the 21st or today, the 24th. At this moment I should be holding my baby in my arms. I should be trying to get him to latch. I should be counting his perfect fingers and perfect toes. I should be kissing his head and taking in that sweet new baby smell. What if I can’t have another one? What if my body doesn’t go back to normal? I want my baby. I need my baby. I look at my sweet little monkey and I hold him just a little tighter. He doesn’t miss his brother. How could he? He doesn’t know he had a brother. How I wish that I could take pictures of my two boys together. Every family picture will always be missing someone. No matter how many more children that I have, Andrew will always be missing. I hate this!
This life is so isolating. Losing a baby is so lonely. No one can understand how I feel unless they have been there. I have been lucky enough to find women who do understand. Between my real life support group and my online one, I have begun to heal. My son will never be forgotten. M doesn’t understand why I need them. He thinks that telling them my story and hearing theirs will depress me. It doesn’t. It empowers me. I hurt every single day for my baby, but I know he didn’t have even one second of pain. I miss him so much, but I am not alone.
Looking back, I posted less than 2 weeks before our world turned upside down. I posted that we were going for a second fetal echo. I thought it was just a technicality, that we would go in and realize that now that he had grown, we had nothing to worry about. I never imagined that we would see no improvement, that we would need a second opinion, that we would have to say goodbye. I miss that naïveté. I will never get it back. In any subsequent pregnancies I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I lost my baby. I lost my son. I lost my innocence.
It has obviously been a while since I wrote on here. The jungle didn’t grow. I lost my second monkey and I lost a part of myself. My sweet little boy keeps me busy all day, but when he goes down for a nap, the thoughts rush in. I miss my baby. He should have been making his appearance this month. I should have a baby in my arms, but instead I have a hole in my heart. How has it been three months since I said goodbye? Why did everyone else’s world go on turning when mine stopped? I believe he is an angel. I believe he is watching over us. I have to believe it, otherwise he is just gone. His name is Andrew John and he is my son. He is real, even if only to me.
So, apparently the single solitary reader of this blog is unhappy with my lack of posting. Chasing around a toddler while being five and a half months pregnant is exhausting, but I will try to accommodate your request. I will make sure to update my blog with all the boring aspects of my life. Musical Munchkins was cancelled today, monkey was crazy, and my “morning sickness” has returned. Tomorrow is our second fetal echocardiogram since this new little guy was too small to get a good view of his heart last time. They called today to reschedule the appointment for earlier. Ummm, no? You made a big deal about the fact that I can’t bring monkey and I can’t get childcare any earlier than the 2 o’clock appointment. Luckily they were able to work it out and keep the original appointment time.
Come February, there will be another little animal in our jungle. I don’t think monkey quite understands, but he knows that his brother is “in” mommy. If you ask him where his brother is, he will point to me and then he will give a kiss to wherever he pointed to “give his brother a kiss.”. I think he is going to do great once the baby is here, except that it will take up his mama’s time. I have an OB appointment tomorrow and I think we are going to take monkey with us to hear his brother’s heartbeat.
Pregnancy stats so far:
As of tuesday 9/20 – I am 17 weeks pregnant
I am having a boy (duh)
I have not gained any weight since I lost 15 lbs before I knew I was preggo.
I feel flutters at night a bunch, mostly when I squish him. I still sleep on my stomach a lot.
No names picked yet. M and I can’t agree on anything, but I have a couple that I think I will push for.